Dream about mother's funeral, not being brave enough to change
From Todaycollegetour
I know we’ve been at this for a while now. I can’t understand why I can’t seem to make choices in my life…I even thought about enlisting, I actually went down there, met the enlistment guy - total asshole…probably a good thing though, I’ve got enough shit relationships to deal with. Probably don’t need to be making any new commitments.
(Pause) Yeah, I said it, I know they are shit relationships. I know that they are shit because, either I get shit on in them or I don’t open up - they are on the surface, you know? Lonely relationships. That’s what I have in my life – lonely relationships. I’m unknown, drifting through life - my Husband doesn’t even know me. I haven’t felt known for years now.
Long Pause - I have this recurring dream of a funeral. Everyone’s dressed in black, everything, the whole thing – it’s paralyzing. I look in the casket and who is laying there? (Pause) My mother…grayish. I’m scarred to death.
(Long Pause)I’ve never known life without her. The truth is, I don’t even know if I know her. I mean, I don’t know her. I know her what she has done with her time, her life – how she’ treated me, I guess. But I don’t really know what she thinks about life. I mean – do people ever wonder how their mom dealt with her lowest times?
I mean in her head, how’d she deal? What did she think? What did she think of me? (Long Pause)It feels like I have time to mend other relationships, or to start new, sort out my life somehow - but like I’m running out of time with my mom. The thing is, I keep projecting into the future - what if she dies? I mean I know she is going to die. We’re all gonna die, right?
I know she loves me – it’s not that truly sad deal where a girl doesn’t know if her mom loves her. It’s just that well, the obvious, I’ve never known life without her in it. (Pause) And, well, the void she’ll leave – that sounds so goddamn selfish. What am I trying to say? (grabs hold of edge of table tensely) long pause - I want to be like her, you know? And I don’t even know why.
I still can’t make a damn decision without her on my damn shoulder…”what’s she going to think?” That kinda thing constantly. Sad. I’m really not that like her. I do want her approval, sad as it is, and the only way I know how is to be like her, but, I can’t do that. I’m not her. A bind. I wish I could just talk to her. (Pause)
I’m sure she wishes the same thing. It feels like its too late even though she’s still around – too late because that’s not how we’ve been for, forever. Too late, because, (long pause) I’m not brave enough to change it. That’s the truth, isn’t it?
