Finally being honest, telling feelings, burdens of life

From Todaycollegetour

Honesty (Female or Male) I just, for once, want to be honest with another person…no more bullshit. Is that OK? Can I do that with you? Can I be honest and not worry about your feelings, or what you’ll think of me, or if I’ll get kicked out of this hole or put in jail or if you’ll get tired of me or just not let me come back? Is that OK? Really? If I try that, with you, maybe some day I’ll find the gumption to do it in my real life or even – with myself for god sakes. OK, here goes. Sometimes you piss me off. You don’t say shit. Sometimes I look at you and I just want to hurt you, humiliate you. I want to put bright red lipstick on you face, and long eyelashes on you. I want to dress you up in a pretty yellow dress and when you look all dainty, I want to slap your face. (Brief Pause) Wow, sorry about that. OK, I got that out of my system I think, sorry…(Pause) See, there are some things that you just can’t say in general. I mean, these legitimate feelings of anger or rage or hostility that I just never even acknowledge, never mind say out loud. Questions that you just can’t ask. You can’t even bring them up… There are these two guys who wrote about it…they were asking offensive questions you can’t ask like, Do women, on average, have a different profile of aptitudes and emotions than men? Not a popular one in public. Or, were the events in the Bible fictitious? Not gonna make you too many friends…but people do think them, or at least I do. (Long Pause)…does anyone ever know WHY they do something? It’s something, it’s always something, but who knows what? I’m too tired or too hot or too nervous…I don’t have enough money or I don’t look good enough, or I’m drunk, or god knows what else I get into. Maybe (PAUSE) I hurt myself sometimes (PAUSE) Yeah, sometime I do, I cut myself. My arm or leg, whatever bleeds. I don’t even know why I do it really. Habit? Sometimes it’s just to feel something, I guess. Mostly it’s to distract me from my mind, the pain I feel when... I don’t even know what hurts so much. Maybe my family or my friends got some drama that sets me off, or somebody’s breathing down my neck about something…all the time…(PAUSE)…I just want a moment of peace from (Pause)…me…and then my parents….ahhh (Pause) [Turns sad here] Or sometimes they don’t call and then I get so…I want to know why…why do I keep doing things?…whatever I do to myself, to other people…(crying )…but I don’t know why, so I just play along… I laugh at stupid things and then I cry when I’m alone. I can’t just stop…I don’t know…(Looks at Dr. S., gains composure) - I feel like I’m running in place, like a rat in a cage - the cage is my body and the running rat is my brain, always churning…running from something….If I sleep I have nightmares…I can’t sleep anyway…need a (girlfriend) boyfriend, get married, work hard, get a good job...fuck it, think maybe I gotta come in here more often.