Finding clarity, comfort and understanding from dream that begins to fade
From Todaycollegetour
Delivered like telling a ghost story but with conviction in is veracity) Sits under spotlight for Long, Long Silence)… Strange things have been happening to me, strange. Silence... I had a dream – it changed everything - not a usual dream – so vivid, so real – unlike anything I had …understood, before. I found the clearest window, it was a door, and I walked through it wondering if I would find it again to get back. I didn’t feel worried about getting home, yet, I walked but I felt still. Then, I saw, or, I understood, how the fastest of movement is actually complete stillness and then, how the most exquisite music is actually within silence. I saw that the infinite is pushed right up next to nothing at all, right next to zero. The clarity of it all was calming – no formulas, just understanding, as though it were all so obvious. And then I saw…well…I saw it in the “place” you could say. As though I was invited to go to visit this place, this place that showed me these things, this place that knows all things; this place that folds and then melts into itself, into knowledge, into, I don’t know - a place that is not for words. It’s so paradoxical, so counter-intuitive, so blind and omnipotent all at once that to wrap your mind around it is not possible if you are not there, and not necessary when you are. A place that to describe it, to translate, falls short of being in it. (PAUSE) It’s a place out beyond mind…It wasn’t like a dream, really – it wasn’t like a story or like learning something new, or memorizing something to know it by heart. It was more like when a light goes on, and answers to all the why’s that went along with any questions, as though you already knew it. At once I knew it all intimately – enough to trust it when I was done realizing it. But as I approach it with words, I have already failed it. When I was there though, I understood it, almost fully. I am trying not to sound like a vague manquÈ. Describing this forces me to sound that way though. It’s the kind of thing people just wouldn’t talk about, except to their therapist maybe. It’s the kind of moment that lives with you for the rest of your life. And to think it happened while I was asleep. It showed me that we all stay here, in our minds, because we feel safest in our minds, if not always free. Our minds offer an explanation, a sense of things at least. That infinite place though, renders a mind obsolete. (PAUSE) How do I describe it? I want to capture it so badly – to remember it.. Feeling and seeing and being with what it showed me made my mind feel like an old pair of jeans - a pair that I love, and that are me, but that are too worn, and too torn, to wear forever. So many holes they lived through. I didn’t see everything there is to know. But I did drink from it, and I tasted that I can escape from myself to this place even while I am here, in this world. It is a matter of perspective, of where I place my attention, and I saw it grow unbounded. I know things have changed. It showed me that honesty was the only way to honor this thing, so I am trying. I can’t explain it better than to tell you that this experience, this dream, was more real than anything else I’ve known – truly, more. And it changed my world, it’s grounded me in something I can’t be ungrounded from. I’ll lose my way again, as I have many times, I am sure. Already, with each passing day it’s fading. But I was so close, I was in it, and it was so clear then that it’s part of me now. It will pull me toward it surer now than ever before. I saw with my own eyes.
