Guy Reads Break Up Letter From His Suddenly Ex-Girlfriend
From Todaycollegetour
(Guy Arrives frazzled and disorganized with a crumpled up sealed envelop in his shirt chest pocket. This guy reads/speaks rapidly and is somewhat distractable and uses quote with his fingers a lot. Delivered defensively turning to embarrassment – can’t sit still, so he walks around while he speaks)
Here’s what really confuses the shit out of me…every time a female walks by I have this intense urge to look, actually, to literally stare at her ass…usually I succumb to the urge - to the dismay of my girlfriend who I’m usually walking next to. But think about it…I desperately want to look at a body part that, well you know, that, well you’re aware of it’s primary function….why that part? (Pause) Well, I like breasts too…the parts that milk comes out of… that makes more sense…but it still doesn’t explain why I get aroused by looking at breasts…I don’t like milk that much…I can’t think of the last time I got aroused looking at a carton of milk…weird huh?
Yeah, so, my girlfriend finally wrote that evaluation of her observation of me for one randomly chosen day. She asked me to read it with you first, because (reads from the back of the envelope) “I will probably disagree with it and then not give it to you otherwise.” She is like fanatic about this stuff, so let’s read this with a grain of salt. Oh, and so, it turns out she pretended to be sick to (finger quotes) “observe me in my natural habitat” as she puts it - women.
Anyway, OK, here goes, (opens envelope)…INSERT YESTERDAY’S DATE HERE: (e.g Thursday, March 29th) To whom it may concern: Cori lives and works at our home in a most unusual manner, Cori’s observed routine consisted of dozing off just after, or it may actually have been during, sex – it’s tough to tell with Cori, at roughly 1:30 am, and then waking at 11am. Although Cori claims that he usually gets up earlier, he claims that he was staying in bed this day to “take care of me” – he was, of course, entirely asleep while he was “caring for me.” After he did wake up, I monitored his every move by way of web cams that we have set up in the apartment (Cori smiles, looking concerned) – as you will read, Cori turns out to be a fascinating anthropological subject (Cori frowns). (Cori smiles cockeyed and then says) She was spying on me.
(Actor Stands up but does not move from spotlight, hand on hip continues reading) By 11:15am, finally, Cori’s workday had apparently officially begun. Over the next two hours, unit 1:15pm, in a whirlwind of performance, Cori managed to complete the following tasks. Sent 76 emails, made 10 phone calls, including the actual solicitation of a new customer, and a call with some random girl, which I am sure he will have a lame explanation for. ASIDE: She’s just a friend. He managed to intersperse these tasks with making and eating 7 chocolate pancakes, overloaded with chocolate chips, brewing and drinking three cups of coffee, and “getting ready” for the day as is described below. Notably, he did not check on me once. The synopsis so far does not even begin to capture the story of Cori in his natural habitat. To provide you with an accurate picture of the pace at which Cori lived during the hours that I observed him, consider this snippet. Cori worked only in his dirty, torn disgusting, loose tightie-whitey underware. While still on the phone with a customer, he walks to the bathroom, scratching an apparently permanently reddened area on his ass. Leaving the door ajar, he turns on the shower, completes the disrobing process, and then apparently, while still walking from the shower tap back to the toilet, he actually initiates defecation. (To Dr. Sulllivan directly - Slaps hand on table: OK, that’s enough. Dr. Sullivan makes a hand motion to continue. Cori sighs and continues reading the letter.)
Without even sitting down entirely, Cori completes, looks up and to DR. S. and says “Oh no, I’m not reading that, blah, blah, blah”. In the interest of discretion, Aside “little late for that”, I will leave to your imagination the product of three cups of coffee and seven chocolate pancakes. Notably, particularly for others in the apartment, Cori does not flush the toilet at this time, or any other. He only now ends his call with the client, claiming that he has another appointment to get to. And then, although the toilette paper was in plain sight and easily within reach - and this part, I truly cannot understand, I mean I just can’t figure it out…anyway, he steps into the shower and wipes “oh, come on” with his hand. Why would you do that, Cori? Only to emerge from the shower exactly 37 seconds later, barely wet, but presumably now clean. I wish I were done with the story. Cori now tiptoes naked toward my new couch while he pseudo-dries with a small, dirty hand-towel. ASIDE: “It wasn’t dirty” and for just shy of one minute proceeds to vigorously “no, oh no, she saw that?...blah, blah.” Although thoroughly disgusted by now, on so many levels, at least I understand the choice of the hand towel. “Well thanks honey. That was humiliating”
While it is true that the process of “getting ready for the day” still only took Cori 5 minutes in total, as compared with the avg. of 45 minutes, without masturbating, for human beings, it is also clearly true that Cori is not a human being. In conclusion, any help you can provide Cori would be great, because I am moving out today. Goodbye Cori.
