In the end it will all be okay

From Todaycollegetour

 Ok so you know what is really starting to get on my nerves? Everyone has been telling me for months that this will get better in time. Even you. Well you wanna know what, I think that the next person who says that to me is gonna be walking away with a black eye….

Ok so maybe that wont actually happen but im really starting to worry that this feeling wont go away with time. The only thing that has happened since my dad died is memories go away. I am terrified that one day I wont remember all the amazing things that my dad and I went through. He and I were so close, I know that my mom loves me and my sister and I will get along some day but with my dad it was so easy. I never had to make up things to talk about and he was proud of every little thing that I did in life. I feel like everything that I accomplish from here on out is going into some giant black hole. Like if he could just see me and tell me Im doing great this would all be worth it…..

Well I’m not delusional I know that is not going to happen. I just hope that someday I can really be ok with this. I know that I am luckier that most, for 20 years of my life I had the most amazing teacher and friend. Is it selfish to want that back? About a year after my dad died I heard some one on t.v. say something that has really stuck with me. I learned everything I needed to know from my dad in the first few years. He helped teach me and my sister to care about others and do whatever it took to help someone else in life. Through him I learned the power in just being there to listen to someone. I know its not an earth shattering lesson but it means a lot to me. Every other day I got with him was simply bonus time. So as much as I hate getting the looks of sympathy or even worse the looks of indifference I think that all the good things that have come from this out way that. I know now that I am a strong person who can face anything with my mom and my sister by my side. I know that his spirit and love and kindness live in me.

I had to visit the hospital a few months after my dad died. I think the universe was in a good mood that day because we ran into on of my fathers nurses. He spoke to us about the amazing spirit he saw in my father, facing one of the worst things in life…. Death. As we sat and talked something struck me and I smiled. The nurse stopped in mid sentence and said that I have my fathers smile and I look just like him. Comments like this are the kind of thing that keep me going. I know that he isn’t here physically but the lessons he taught us will remain, even long after I am gone. So I guess what im trying to say in this rambling mess is that maybe… just maybe…. It will be ok in the end. Time will pass and the pain of watching him fight will be replaced with the stories of strength and guidance and love that others have received from him. Somehow I know that my father really has left his mark in this world. Even if that mark is me.