Struggling with Loss of a Mother
From Todaycollegetour
The meaning of my existence is that life has addressed a question to me…That is a task which I accomplish only by effort and with difficulty. That’s from the Carl Jung book that you gave me. I like that.
Yesterday, was the (third) anniversary of my mom passing. It’s weird though – I feel so differently than I did a year ago – time helps some – I think of my mom everyday still – I am sure I always will. It’s just it used to be that I would look anywhere - up to the sky, I’d remember that I used to name birds with my mom as a little girl, and I’d start crying – anything reminded me of her. (Pushes hair over ear)
Ever since she died things have been so different. Instead of living in that flow of life that most people seem to find, you know, where you stopped questioning the big questions in life: Why am I here? What is the point? You know, I’ve always had them hanging over my head. It can be really paralyzing in a way…when my life was moving along fast enough though I barely even questioned these things…I don’t have this Pollyanna view of everything being perfect when mom was around…I had good days and bad days…but at some point my attention turned to how to keep up the momentum of my life on the good days, you know, how to grow, how to have love and spread love in my life, how to accept the paradox of not knowing…on the bad days I told myself ‘tomorrow will be better’, that I’ll get up in the morning and get back on track. If that didn’t work, I learned to just go to sleep (laughs softly)… Pause
It’s not like that anymore, again. It’s dreams that get me now….I’m going along, feeling good, thinking I’m doing fine…could be months between them but then one always comes…they’re so real and lifelike that I don’t even question them…sometimes I look back and actually think it was real…what makes right now any more real anyway?...(LONG PAUSE) Well I usually don’t want them to end because… because if just one were true, if the clock could be turned back like my dreams can stop time, I wouldn’t have to feel that pain when I wake…instead they’re a curse, I wake to the reality of loss over and over and over again…not just Mom either, every loss comes flooding back…(Weeps, Pauses) time has helped me move on, to heal, in real life…but in my dreams time stands still somehow…the emotions that I felt, the love and joy, even scents - they’re exactly the same, exactly as strong as they were back then…(LONG PAUSE)…and they, all of a sudden, or even slowly sometimes, its worst when it’s slowly actually, well…you know the rest…I wake up. (Long, long pause)
It’s crazy, you know, I wanted my mom to be here with me and I still do, but the truth is, as time goes on I realize that my mom still is with me. I am who I am because of all the people who have touched me deeply – family, lovers, mistakes (laughs softly), friends, yeah friends, but most of all its Mom… and so she’ll always be with me, obviously. No, I won’t be able to see her. That’s true. But you always know what your mom would say, not every word maybe, but the important parts. PAUSE Sometimes, when I’m on the beach I look at the sky. We used to find things in the clouds together, name the shapes, laugh. When I look up at the sky some days I swear I can make her shape out in the clouds. Life’s a trip.
